why i got you on my mind

you didn't love me no, not really

hey gais, i don't know if you guys really exist or nah but if you do i just wanna say thank you and i appreciate you for spending your time here reading about what's going on in my life. i'm supposedly doing my reactor video right now but i'm really have zero motivation and really uninspired and not in the correct mood to do those things. i'm really in need of catalyst. maybe just anyone i love showing they care for me and just giving me a piece of advice or nice talks or nice texts or anything. but sadly, i had none of them. i have to depend 100% on myself, find the strength in myself, find my own spirit. there's a lot of people around me that claim that they care but i always doubt them. i always find it's hard to trust people. i always thought that it's unnecessary to express my feelings especially when i'm sad or mad or something isn't going right. because usually in the beginning people will act all nice but i'll have them leave in the end. and i'm sick of that. i'm so sick of that same old love/ relationship/ friendship/ bestfriendship.

i'm so sick of that same old love, that shit it tears me up, i'm so sick of that same old love my body had enough

 as a human, i have the fear of being alone. i bet everybody does. but, i also cannot bear the feeling when you stay with the wrong person. the one that didn't scared losing you because they thought you will never leave. i couldn't bear the pain staying with the one that treat me like i didnt worth. the one that never proud to have me around. that never remember things that i hate nor like. act like i dont matter at all. treat me like an option. the one that ignore my sadness like nothing happened. take my kindness for granted. these people are those that make me feel hard to fall asleep at night. one day, i will leave but not today. because i'm giving you chances. i hope one day you realize.

or maybe i'm better off alone. but i dont know. i always meet people that don't deserve me. this post may reflect negativity but that's just me saying my thought so daaa!

tomorrow i got lab session for reactor tech and lecture for process control which i found hard not to fall asleep to. i think the slide is too simple. she should have added color to make it more interesting or at least may reduce the sleepiness and the boredomness. i also find it hard to relate process control lecture with anything else so that i could understand the lecture. lol maybe its just me. but the make up that miss ruby wear is so stunning tho. her eye make up is so stunning but still couldn't resist me from feeling sleepy. #sorrynotsorry

iREALLYreallyREALLY need to complete this video thinggy this night laa. because i wanna go out this thursday night. to watch the new hunger games movie. yeay [happyface] but heyy my reactor video! [sadface] .

pens off now maybe, need to get back to work.

hurt

stone cold, stone cold, you see me standing but i'm dying at the floor, stone cold, stone cold maybe if i dont cry i won't feel anymore.....

stone cold by demi lovato. i'm listening to this song right now while i'm writing this post. best lagu ni, it suits demi's classy voice so well with strong high notes everywhere. for me, this song describe a very sad feeling, dissapointment, where she's trying hard to be happy eventhough her heart is breaking. she dont want to be stone cold anymore. actually i'm kinda sad right now. okay, so sebelum you guys baca lebih mendalam lagi, i just wanna tell you that i dont want to be harsh, but this is what i feel. i'm blessed with deep set of emotions and that's me.

why? there's so many reason but one of them is because of the way some people treat me. i think i dont deserve to be treated like that. i fuckin feel down you know when i've been treated like that. all my life i'm trying hard to accept myself for who i am. i'm trying hard to be happy with me. there's some time i feel like undeserving, i felt so lost, i felt like i dont want to hold on anymore, i felt like quitting, i felt like shit, i dont feel worth it, i cried, i bleed. aku rasa lemah sangat. tapi aku cuba simpan semua tu. aku biar je sakit kat dalam. aku cuba terima semua benda yang aku tak suka, aku cuba sayang kat diri aku. aku cuba hargai apa yang aku ada. apa capabilities aku. setiap kali aku tak dapat buat something, know that i tried hard. kau tahu tak apa perasaan bila kau dah bina defence dalam diri kau supaya sayang and percaya diri kau semua and ada manusia yang syaiton perangainya come and took it all away like that.

species yang suka look down dekat orang lain ni memang menjijikkan. can you go fuck yourself! kau ingat semua benda kau je yang capable nak buat? kau je yang pandai? just becoz you are louder, doesnt mean you are better. kau pandang rendah kat orang lain. you become deaf to other's opinion because you think ure wiser. semua benda kau je nak buat sebab kau kan pandai sangat bagus sangat kan. tak boleh macam tu, kau akan buat orang lain rasa macam tak dihargai, tak diperlukan it. lagipon its not individual work, its a group work. i fucking have rights, okay. tak tahulah kalau kau rasa aku ni tak matang benda kecik pon nak brag. suka hati aku lah. nak cakap aku emotional? just go on cakap lah apa pun . memang aku born this way pon. tak semua orang sama macam expectation kau. i fucking have feelings. and it hurts me. it fucking hurts. all this time, i fucking treat you well. eventho there's so many perangai kau yang very hurtful,rude and tah pape. i just pretended that i'm cool i'm okay i'm strong.

i kenot brain lah orang yang takde perasaan macam ni. may karma/kifarah strike you harder. sorry for harshing the words but i wont feel sorry for standing up for myself. lupa pulak aku nak cakap yang aku bersemangat je nak conduct eksperimen tu, but you fucking beriya you know? macam lah kau tahu semua benda. macam lah kau je yang boleh buat benda tu. pastu kalau kau nak mengeluh yang kau buat semua benda pon tak boleh okay. kau hanya boleh cakap yang kau beriya nak buat semua benda je. i fucking wanna help okay. tp bila kau dah beriya sangat sampai nak membelakangkan aku time aku nak tolong, aku dah takde mood okay. i really kenot brain your miss know it all perangai. buat lah sama sama. its not fucking INDIVIDUAL thinggy doh!